.

Some are already aware, but the motherboard died on my last desktop computer.

Soon my new computer will be here, and I should be able to actually get some things done with it.

Hold to your word.

It is your Bond.

And all your worth in the world to me.



Contempt and disgust come with your lies.

My hatred glows brightly within both eyes.

---

Give me Liberty.

0610
I am unable to sleep.
I am unable to rest.
I am unable to speak.
I am unable to imagine.
I am unable to escape.
I am unable to accept.
I am unable to decline.
I am unable to understand.
I am unable to reveal.
I am unable to learn.
I am unable to win.
I am unable to see.
I am unable to witness.
I am unable to revoke.
I am unable to rely.
I am unable to deny.
I am unable to respond.
I am unable to live.
I am unable to die.

I am finding myself more and more disgusted by people. And I just got back from a ride meant to clear my head of some things I really didn’t need to hear last night. And oh buddy, it didn’t work at all. If I were smart, I’d go on another drive, but my gas is sparse.

My inner demons beg me to give into them. I struggle so consistently with my own feelings, and still; I wonder why I even fight back at times.

Before I continue I’d like to state that with my current lack of sleep, and state of mind whatever follows may not be easy to read.

Over these past couple of years, I have been hurt by some people that I would have considered close to me. I’ve done things I’ve told myself I would never do. And I’ve let myself be used in ways I swore would never happen.

Somewhere along the line, I lost sight of who I am.
Somewhere along the line, I lost track of my hatred.

This isn’t to say that I am a being of pure hatred, but rather I have become to forgiving. I’ve been searching for things in people that aren’t really there. It’s taken a couple of my friends to show that to me. Not purposefully mind you, but rather in studying their behavior and comparing it to my own, I’ve one again started to see those open flaws. These flaws are the general mannerisms and imperfections that come with the type of perception I’m use to having.

I started to hope too much, to want to “save” or fix things that are beyond my ability. Without leaving to reason that I can’t save anyone if I’m not even in position to save myself.

Tonight, thanks to some of these friends of mine; I’ve had the chance to sit and let my mind delve into the places it has been afraid to go. And in retrospect, I can scream this at the top of my lungs:
“I am not to break!”

I watch them, the noble.
They are harmed and hurt because they wish to cause some good in the world.
Chivalry isn’t dead. It’s simply the hard road, but it’s damn sure not for the faint of heart. And my heart has been weak in recent times; but I think it is starting to grow strong again.

I’ve always tried to be the pillar that people need. Usually, and generally I feel unappreciated; but it would be selfish of me to seek out any glory or attention from people I care about. However, it doesn’t help the feeling of cold go away when it happens.

I’m tired of people breaking their promises. And I’m tired of having to wonder if I can hold fast to my own. I intend to do something worth remembering before I leave this earth. And I wonder how many of my so-called friends will actually stand beside me once I’m not able to keep doing for them.

0630

I think I’ve lost track of where I was going with this. Insomnia has that effect sometimes. But those of you who know me, I’d just like to ask you something.
Ever made a promise to me?
If you can remember it. Have you kept it?
And if you didn’t keep it. Did you break it for a good reason?

My hatred is coming back. And with it, so is my inspiration, my drive to live and my ability to discern where to place my love in people.

Some people have been hard to reach when I felt like I really needed them to be there. It’s getting to the point where I’m going to stop trying.

-I will probably rewrite this later. If not revamp it into something that actually makes sense. But for now, I think I’m just going to return to the grimm nature that suits me best. If you don’t like it, then stay out of my way. And I won’t bother you.

Some of you that know me, may be aware that soon I'll be headed overseas. Not sure how internet capable I'll be when that happens. So, best of luck to anyone I can't reach after this year ends.